Either something is acceptable as in your boundaries, your needs, or your standards, or it’s not acceptable. It’s either one or the other, there’s no in between. If it’s not acceptable, you must announce it as so and then take action from there. Pam kept justifying why things were acceptable when in fact they weren’t but she was afraid of the consequences of she took a stand. Note: Force the client to draw the line.

addiction-free vs managing behaviors

When one is fully recovered they no longer feel the desire, need or compulsion to medicate their feelings using addictions. Others attempt to manage their behavior rather than resolving the underlying cause. Willpower is a character  defect and uses up valuable energy. With therapy the source of the need can be identified and resolved. James was spending all his time managing his feelings and behaviors so that he would remain abstinent, yet he wasn’t sober or free .

adjusted to vs tolerated

Because the world is constantly changing, humans need to adjust to new situations, problems and opportunities, some of which may be uncomfortable because they call for growth and change. To tolerate means to compromise one’s values, boundaries, and standards for some linear reason. Eventually tolerations build up and the person shuts down or explodes. Briefly adjusted to is a choice; tolerations are a reaction.

adult child vs codependent

A codependent needs someone else to have a problem in order for to have a reason for living. Their existence is dependent on another, meaning their reason for living depends on another person. An adult child, on the other hand, had his or her development arrested at some point and hasn't developed the adult skills to relate as an equal to others and is often afraid of authority figures, acts in an immature way and isn't able to develop strong relationships. Tip: Clients often get these two confused, and a person can be both. But it is important for them to identify how they're behaving.

am doing vs could do

Coaching occurs in the present just as life does, and whenever you hear a "could," or a client is planning to make a change it's generally wisest not to get too excited until the client is doing consistently what they've said they could do. The gap between could and is is often wide and some clients get their high from creating what they could do rather than getting pleasure and pride from what they've done. The key is to request evidence and proof of what the client is actually doing rather than spending much time simply creating what the client could do.

angels vs centers of influence

Angels are individuals or companies that can send you about 50% of your clientele or refer that level of business to you. A center of influence is a person or company that can send you 5 to 10% of your business. Obviously, one starts with centers of influences and then develops some of them into angels. The distinction is important because it may not be the quantity of people that you know but the quality of the people you know that will be critical to your practice, and it's worthwhile to invest in both your centers of influence and your angels, but particularly in your angels.

adjusted to vs tolerated

Because the world is constantly changing, humans need to adjust to new situations, problems and opportunities, some of which may be uncomfortable because they call for growth and change. To tolerate means to compromise one’s values, boundaries, and standards for some linear reason. Eventually tolerations build up and the person shuts down or explodes. Briefly adjusted to is a choice; tolerations are a reaction.

adult child vs codependent

A codependent needs someone else to have a problem in order for to have a reason for living. Their existence is dependent on another, meaning their reason for living depends on another person. An adult child, on the other hand, had his or her development arrested at some point and hasn't developed the adult skills to relate as an equal to others and is often afraid of authority figures, acts in an immature way and isn't able to develop strong relationships. Tip: Clients often get these two confused, and a person can be both. But it is important for them to identify how they're behaving.**

am doing vs could do

Coaching occurs in the present just as life does, and whenever you hear a "could," or a client is planning to make a change it's generally wisest not to get too excited until the client is doing consistently what they've said they could do. The gap between could and is is often wide and some clients get their high from creating what they could do rather than getting pleasure and pride from what they've done. The key is to request evidence and proof of what the client is actually doing rather than spending much time simply creating what the client could do.

angels vs centers of influence

Angels are individuals or companies that can send you about 50% of your clientele or refer that level of business to you. A center of influence is a person or company that can send you 5 to 10% of your business. Obviously, one starts with centers of influences and then develops some of them into angels. The distinction is important because it may not be the quantity of people that you know but the quality of the people you know that will be critical to your practice, and it's worthwhile to invest in both your centers of influence and your angels, but particularly in your angels.

articulating what's occurring vs reporting what happened

As human beings we generally report what happened rather than articulate what's occurring right now, mostly because we don't have the skills we need to articulate. It's normal, but as a coach you want a client to have skills to say what they're feeling and sensing and wanting in this very moment, this very second, so that they're dancing with you rather than just reporting. What you'll find is that during the 30-minute or hour coaching call each week, new things and new truths will occur to the client, and it's those that need to be

articulated vs a person repeating what may have been true last week.

The pace of coaching is rapid and the person needs to keep up and have the skill of articulating what's occurring rather than just articulating what happened, because what happened is old news by the next coaching session. We want people to change and turn on a dime during the call as much as between calls.

assist vs help

To help someone means to step in, as in an auto accident. When you see someone on the pavement, you're going to go in and help that person, you're going to touch them, you're going to turn them over, you're going to direct traffic, and so on. Usually you help someone after they're already in trouble. To assist someone means to guide them but not step over the line and help them out of the predicament. They have to be awake and alive enough to request assistance rather than needing you to jump in and save the day. As a coach, you should be spending 98% of your time assisting your clients when they're well and they're able to ask for help, and 2% of your time stepping in when they're over their heads, are having a really bad day or really need someone to step in and be their best friend for an hour or two. Sometimes, we tend to help vs assist because we wish someone had done this for us when we were stuck. But sometimes it is best for the person to not get "help" and instead hit bottom until things get so bad they bounce up and reach for assistance.

attain vs achieve

To attain means you've reached the highest possible level in an area; it usually occurs while you're achieving something. To achieve means to have accomplished something measurable, but not necessarily to have reached the pinnacle.

attentive vs distracted

Is the person across from you being truly attentive? Are they dancing with your words? Are they being with you (vs what you're wearing, what you're saying, who's walking by)? Demand and instruct others how to be attentive, because when they are, you can be more of yourself and creation occurs.

attract vs seduce

We want to attract love, money and energy rather than seduce or promote to get these things. One is able to attract by being themselves, setting goals in synch with their values and having a strong Personal Foundation. Seduction (also very effective, but ultimately unrewarding) is the act of overpromising, trying too hard and getting needs met before fixing the cracks.

attraction vs manifestation

Attraction happens because of WHO you are. Manifestation is what you did.

aware vs no clue

Coaching requires that clients become aware. That means getting in touch with their feelings, getting a sense of their role in the world, and beginning to get in touch with themselves rather than just their reactions and their needs or their egos. It can take anywhere from a day to two or three years before the client can convert and can begin to trust in their awarenesses and their inklings or sensations rather than just trust the facts and the evidence, which one does when one has no clue. We say no clue because it means that a person can't dance with what is really occurring because they're so frightened of trusting anything except that which has been proven to be true.

balance vs juggle

Balance is natural and requires no energy. Things just are balanced; it's more of a result than an intention. Juggle is an action word which means effort is being expended to keep things from crashing. The client who's juggling may need to drop some balls in order to accomplish balance.

be cooked vs searching

At some point a person can declare themselves cooked as in healthy, has found themselves and has a reserve. Some people so enjoy the searching process that for them life would be over if they stopped searching. Searching can be an addiction. Jane kept searching until she realized that living completely was the answer and stopped searching.

benefit vs feature

A feature is an aspect of what you're offering, whereas a benefit is how what you are offering will help. Example: A feature of coaching is a weekly conference call. The benefits of that call would be more time because the call is convenient, more success because more action will be being taken, and more confidence and positive self-feelings as a result of the stronger bond between the client and the coach. It's important to use both benefits and features in describing your product or service, but people generally buy on benefits and are reassured by features.

build vs create

Build = create + construct. Create = experiment + design.

cash flow vs profit

Both are essential in a company, but cash is usually more tactically important, whereas profit is more strategically important. Cash flow is basically what you're left with after all expenditures both for deductible expenses as well as for capital purchases -- such as equipment or cars -- have been deducted. An owner needs to write payroll out of his/her checking account rather than out of their financial statement. Cash flow is more important in the short-term management and running of the business, because without that cash, the business will stop. John spent too much time worrying about profits and not enough time focused on his predictable cash flow. He then got into a cash flow crisis and had to borrow heavily in order to make payroll. Tip: Especially with new business, cash flow is more important because they'll be purchasing additional inventory if they're growing, or new equipment if they're getting started, and this generally requires cash. That means, then, that the profits of the company need to be a lot larger than the owner would think in order to have the cash generated to purchase outright pieces of equipment. Finally, cash flow is more important because sometimes your accounts receivable will take a while to collect, and a company can go under waiting for the cash to come in.

centers of influence (COI) vs network

A COI is a person who can bring you at least 10% of your business this year . A COI is well connected, likes or respects you and comes in contact with enough people to be able to feed you referrals or put you in touch with the right people. A network is a collection of colleagues who may or may not send you business. Both COIs and networks are valuable, but COIs make you a lot of money without requiring the maintenance of a large network, which can be exhausting and fraught with seduction.

champion vs cheerlead

When you champion someone, you champion the person regardless of the results. You cheerlead (high form of seduction) to praise results or in order to get results. There is a huge difference here.

charge neutral vs charge up/down

Charge neutral describes the tone of voice that has no Edge or high or low energy to it. It's a useful communication style when coaching a client to make a huge change or to see something big. Charge neutral has an almost blase' feel, kind of like describing a boring weather day. "Oh, it's nice today, isn't it?" "Oh, your life's a mess, isn't it?" "Oh, we need to do a 180 here, don't we?" One can be charge neutral and still very passionate. One becomes charge neutral (rather than charge neutral being a technique) when they are comfortable with themselves, aren't performing, see that the universe is perfect, and so on. One can care a tremendous amount and still be charge neutral. Charge up (loud, reactionary, Edge in voice, hyper, concerned, problem-oriented) and charge down (patronizing, parenting, diminishing, downing, passive) are what a person shifts from to become charge neutral. Note: When you are charge neutral, you can get away with anything (as in saying what needs to be said).

choice vs consequence avoidance

Most of us have learned to do things in order to avoid consequences. We pay our mortgage so we're not foreclosed. We have a stable job for the security of not having to be on the street. We believe in God because the consequences are Hell. Many parents see their job as a way to protect their child. Consequence avoidance training is an integral part in our upbringing. So the option of true choice is a new one for many people, and is a skill that takes time to develop. One can be mindful of the potential consequences and still choose. Having a strong personal foundation and a reserve makes choice possible. Otherwise, our goals and desires will be determined and naturally created by our concerns about the consequences of not choosing the correct goals. As a coach, your job is to shift people from being consequence-avoidance driven to being choice-oriented.

circle of 10 vs Rolodex

Circle of 10 refers to the 10 key people in your life that you've chosen to enjoy and be with forever, but not out of obligation, payoff or need. Most of us don't have the 10 yet, but we're working on ourselves to attract them. For those in the people business, like coaches, it's important to declare who's in your 10 and who's not; otherwise, you can get caught up with who is calling you vs who you want to be with. I go a step further and say that I "live" for my circle of 10, or that my circle of 10 give me "life." Not vicarious, not co-dependent, no dependent. Yet, my life is my life (rich) because of the energy, flow and pleasure that comes from being related to these 10.

clarity vs certainty

Clarity comes from absence of confusion. Certainty comes from knowing what’s so. Both are pretty good, but clarity requires less mind work and is more sustainable because it’s based less on knowledge and more on being. Certainty has a ring of consequence avoidance to it; that is, people feel a need to be certain so that they won’t make a mistake that would cause then a loss of some kind. Clarity is a tool of strength; certainty is a crutch for weakness.**

coach vs consult

To coach someone is to ask for change and growth as well as inform and guide. To consult means to share information and expertise of what you've seen work but not necessarily to request a change or action.

coach vs mentor

A mentor is an expert in a particular field or within a particular company who knows the job inside and can guide someone under them to move up and forward within the company or in the business. A coach is more of an expert on people in general and helps people move forward, but there is not necessarily a higher or lower relationship between the client and coach; it's more interdevelopmental. A mentor relationship is interdependent because the mentor needs the mentee to move up to stay with them so the mentor can rely on the mentee to do tasks politically and financially within the organization which ultimately serve the mentor as much as the mentee. The people need each other. In coaching, the client doesn't need the coach, nor vice versa, which is why it's called interdevelopmental.

coach vs parent

A coach and parent are similar in that both empower, provide unconditional love to and support the person. However, the coach is not responsible for the end result whereas the parent, to some degree (and to some age), generally is. Thus the coach can ask for and demand more from an equal whereas the parent has to be cautious and protective. Susan made the mistake of having a greater interest in protecting her clients from failure than in developing them to be extraordinary.

coach vs partner

A partner has ownership interests in and responsibility for the finances and control of both the partnership and/or the business entity. A coach, while “invested,” has no authority, responsibility or equity.

coach vs technician

A coach does some fixing but mostly helps the person design their own life. With a coach there’s a creative process rather than a repair process. A technician is linear in what they do; the technician reacts to the problem or prevents something from going bad. A coach makes the copier machine do more. A technician fixes the copier and maintains it.

commitment vs wishes

A commitment is an active, causal wish, one that you do something about or make something happen. A wish is what you have, almost a hope, when you're not ready, willing or able to stand up for something. A wish is passive; a commitment is active. If you say are committed but there is no accompanying, measurable action, it is probably only a wish.

community vs culture

A culture is a collection of historical beliefs, behaviors, attitudes, rituals or agreed upon social intercourses. We are the product of our culture, historically. As coaches, however, we want our clients to be equally if not more influenced by their community which is more in the present and more influential and more empowering, often, than cultural norms and expectations. If one is following cultural expectations, one is probably not relating fully with the present because they're being guided or dictated to by the past, and a community of people you love is a healthier form of influence than their culture.

community vs family

A community is your sustainable and consistent source of love, period. A family, network or tribe is often a structure for support, safety, development or need satisfaction. A community, in the way we are using it here, is truly interdevelopmental in nature.

community vs network

Network is what you call the professionals in your life, or the acquaintances that you know personally. A community is the people that have committed to you and you to them to be there for a lifetime of love and support and challenge and friendship and joy. Some of your community might include several people in your network, but in the community the person and the relationship come ahead of the result or of the business and community is not based on need, whereas a network is usually an interdependent relationship.

compassion vs empathy

When you show compassion for someone, you're giving them a gift. You are, in fact, endorsing them for what they feel and what they face. Whether you've been there or not, whether you understand fully what they're going through or not doesn't matter. You're giving them the gift of understanding, of love, of acceptance and endorsement. Empathy, on the other hand, is more of a passive approach to caring which, while useful, doesn't give the recipient all that much. To develop compassion for others, one must fully develop compassion for themselves, their faults, their limitations, and their failures. When one can make oneself right or make the universe right for what they've had to go through and even laugh and enjoy it as a memory, one can then grant others a similar level of acceptance. Compassion is an essential skill in coaching, but one that can't be all that experienced until one is healed. Compassion occurs when one has no need whatsoever to compare or feel threatened or influenced by the other person's concerns. If we see ourselves in someone else and we are afraid of what we see, it's difficult to feel compassion for them.

compassion vs forgiveness

Compassion is who you are. Forgiveness is something that you grant if you are a compassionate person. Linda is a compassionate person who grants forgiveness freely.

compassion vs judging 

Compassion is a gift to another when judgment, reaction or anger could be justified. One can have extensive boundaries yet still have compassion. One has compassion for the other person’s humanity. One develops compassion when they consider themselves as big as they feel they should be and are not threatened by the other person’s smallness. Judging is what you do when the other person brings up a piece of yourself that you have not fully included or embraced. People judge in order to win. People have compassion because it feels good to grant forgiveness with grace.

competence vs experience

Competence = experience + mastery. Experience = time + practice. There is a difference!

complaining vs whining

When you complain, you’re mad at something or someone. You’re not taking, action although you might choose to do so. When someone is whining, they are powerless to do anything. Joyce saw her situation as hopeless, whined about it to anyone who would listen, and stayed in her same rut.

concept vs principle

A principle is something to follow; a concept is something to integrate. A principle is what has worked for someone else, e.g., Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits. A concept is more of an abstract idea that requires the client to experiment and grow from it as in the concept of irresistible attraction. Coach U has laid out the 7 principles of irresistible attraction which can be a starting place for someone vs steps to blindly follow. 

consistent vs partial

When one has a Reserve, their production and/or results are consistent; there is not stopping and starting or partially completed projects.

contribute vs give

You contribute your excess to people who can appreciate it all. You give what you have to people who need it. A coach contributes.

cooperation vs competition

Competition is the value that the U.S. has used to develop itself to date. It has sparked the animal in us to work harder to create more, take more, or get more than the person next to us. Competition is generally adversarial in nature, even if it's friendly competition. Cooperation, on the other hand, is the future for America, where common goals are determined and people work together to accomplish them rather than be catalyzed by the need to win or prove that one is better than the other. This shift from competition to cooperation may take 20 to 50 years, but it will occur as the U.S. becomes more spiritual. Competition is a throw-back to our animal days where survival prompted betterment. At this stage in our culture's development, cooperation is the next generation.

courage vs bravado

Courage is a choice from the self whereas bravado is an expression of the ego and is relied upon to push one past or through resistance that shouldn't be there in the first place. It takes more courage to dismantle the blocks and limitations than it would take bravado to break through them.

critical mass vs momentum

Much of what a coach does is to help the client get into momentum with their life by taking action, resolving the blockages and Accountability Deferment Tactics, and focusing on something worth accomplishing. With enough momentum, a client reaches what is called critical mass, just as in physics when enough things are lined up properly, the chemical reaction occurs. You'll know you're client has reached critical mass when opportunities begin to come to the client vs the client being on the treadmill attempting to reach and create the opportunities. The faster that you can get the client to critical mass, the better. For example, when you're first starting out as a coach you should work with anyone you can and with as many people as you can as quickly as you can regardless of the revenue you receive in order to put yourself in business quickly. If you take your time in building up your practice, it will generally take longer to reach this critical mass stage where you have your reputation, plenty of experience, you're savvy, you're attractive, you've finished your own development, and you've got your own practice.

critical mass vs moving forward

When one’s actions, resources and timing converge, they reach what’s called critical mass which means that all 3 elements automatically work together to cause a result. If any of these 3 are missing, the person is simply moving forward making progress, but there’s been no marked shift or “explosion.” We help our clients do more than they need to do in order for this critical mass to occur. Mark did just enough to keep his life moving forward but never focused strongly enough to make his life leap forward without requiring continual effort.

deal with it vs face it

At some point we all need to face the truth, face our problems or the things that hold us back, and sometimes a client might think that's enough, but as a coach you want to help them deal with it, which is the second step, rather than just look at it. Frank was very open to fixing his problems, but he got a lot of juice out of admitting he was wrong rather than simply dealing with it, handling it forever and moving on to something else.

delegating a task vs delegating authority

A task is a one time accountability whereas authority is ongoing and the person has to think continuously. A task is a follow me, whereas authority is “you take it, run with it and make it bigger.” Carl kept giving away tasks but never truly gave away the authority.

deliver vs do

To deliver is to do what you do until the other person really gets it or something happens. Doing may just be going through the actions or motions without being committed to reaching a desired result or even having one in mind. One delivers coaching rather than does coaching.

delivery vs presentation

Most consultants present what they know, what they see, or what they've concluded, just as you would have a presentation in someone's office about the product you want to sell them. It's left up to the individual to purchase or to change based on your presentation. There's an arm's length distance between you, your presentation, and the potential client. Delivery is more direct. It's when Federal Express knocks on your door and asks you to sign for a package and then you've accepted that package. You may not open it right now, but it's been delivered into your space rather than just let it sit on your doorstep. The coach, then, needs to deliver what they're suggesting or saying rather than just presenting the same. It's okay to intrude with your delivery as long as you're not confrontive or obnoxious.

demonstrate vs create

Coaches ask their clients to demonstrate their commitment, their willingness, their accomplishments vs just creating them. Creating is great and often an essential element in the coaching process, but it's worthless unless the client demonstrates what they've learned or accomplished. As a coach, always press the client to prove they've learned something vs. pressing for discussion of what they've learned.

design vs plan

To design is a non-linear process, free-flowing in style; to plan is to put together a known quantity and type of linked actions, steps and resources.

desire vs compulsion

A person who is compelled to do something is not at choice. Even though the emotional or physical sensations feel great, the person has lost themselves. To desire, on the other hand, is a stronger form of want. It's healthy to desire, it's unhealthy to be compelled to want to get something.

desired vs acceptable

Each of us knows what makes us feel very good and we should only do that. Acceptable shouldn’t be an option. 

direct vs respond

One of the benefits of having a coach is that the client receives clearer direction both from within themselves as well as from the coach. A therapist generally responds; a coach can afford to direct. To direct means that you tell the client where you think they might go or what goals you think they might set given what you've discerned about them. Some coaches don't want to do it this way and would much rather respond to what the client is saying or feeling. Both ways are good, but directive coaching generally accelerates the client's pace of development and helps them set bigger and more rewarding goals because of the influence of the coach's perspective and experience.

disabled vs unable

Disabled means that we were once able and we lost that ability, whereas unable means we can't do something or never have been able to do something. Sometimes a coach can help a client go from disabled to able, and even from unable to able. What helps a client go from disabled to able is often language, momentum, a worthwhile goal or some endorsement.

discern vs assess

Assess means that you're noting measurable, fairly linear pieces of information: what the person wants, what their values are, what their problems are. When you're discerning, you're including what you're assessing either from pieces of paper or just from a conversation, but you're also discerning who that person is and who they want to be rather than just what they want to be. You'll also discern what's possible for that person even if they're not yet able to articulate or be aware of what they most want. Again, discern is a much more inclusive and broader form of assessment and requires additional skills. Jim was a great assessing coach, but he missed out on the biggest gains for his clients because he wasn't able to discern the who as well as the what.

discern vs judge

To discern means to observe information and then draw conclusions based on that information. Discern is when we are able to pick up every aspect of what is occurring or what we observe without having to judge the person as in compare, diminish, make wrong or feel better than. A person discerns better when their needs are met, they don’t get their energy from the other person, they don’t feel a pressure to perform, and they are independent. People judge because they’re threatened in some way or reminded of a piece of themselves that is yet to be reconciled. Compassion is also important because it keeps the observation on the discernment side vs the judgmental side. Note: One can discern without judging and still have a strong opinion and/or label or peg the person. Discernment can be an active process vs just a passive one. It’s the coach's job to peg, or discern, who the client is, where they’re at, what’s in the way, and what’s really going on. The coach who thinks less of clients, diminishes them or stops standing up or behind them (as in putting them in a small box) is judging, not discerning.

educate vs lecture

To educate is to inform, challenge, respond, dance, interact with or zero in on someone's specific needs or concerns. To lecture is to present what you know and then hope the audience finds value in it for themselves. A coach educates; a public speaker usually lectures.

effective vs efficient

To be effective means you're able to accomplish a worthwhile goal that's been chosen. To be efficient means you're quick and able at the task or even at accomplishing a goal, but it may not be the most effective goal to have set. Better to be less efficient and more effective than more efficient and less effective. The hamster running around the cage is efficient at living his life, but is that hamster effective? You may be very efficient at conducting your coaching calls, but how effective are you being with your clients?

ego vs mind

Ego is the energy production system that we developed just to make it through the rearing process. The mind takes continual snapshots of everything that occurs and files them in order to protect our bodies from death. Whenever we get close to a potentially threatening situation, our mind will stop us as a protective measure. Steven is run by his ego and stopped by his mind.

embrace vs merge

When you embrace something, you can still remain distinct. When you merge, you become the same.

emulate vs mirror

As coaches our clients often take on some of our character traits, language, even our goals. This can be healthy as long as the client is weaving these into their life. If their sense of self is weak, however, they may tend to mirror and copy us rather than emulate us in selected ways.

endear vs please

One endears another to them by doing things for the person. Endearment occurs without seduction or ego gratification; it just feels good. People-pleasing comes from lack of self-worth, lack of self-esteem or unmet needs. The person is dependent upon the other person’s reaction to them for a sense of self. Endearment is a choice; people pleasing is based on need.

endorse vs diminish

Obviously as a coach our job is to endorse and build up a client based on truth and encouragement. Some coaches, however, are consequence-avoidance oriented, and they tend to diminish the client under the guise of protecting them. Most everyone knows their faults and weaknesses and does not need to be reminded of them. It may be accurate to point out the client's weakness, but it's generally not useful nor is it ethically appropriate. Our job is to build up the strengths, not to shore up the weaknesses. So the next time you say something that is not completely endorsive, you're probably diminishing the client even if you think you're doing the client a favor.

energy vs adrenaline

Energy has no up or down charge to it and is shared by all people. Adrenaline is similar to energy in that we experience it between people; it can be a flow. However, adrenaline is not sustainable, but rather is consumptive, a prompter, an accelerator and an artificial high. Energy is fairly quiet and peaceful, but at the same time is supportive and nourishing and is permanently sustainable. So as a coach, look to see if energy is being passed between you and your client, or if it is adrenaline that either of you is giving to the other. Clients who need a high will look for an adrenaline-oriented coach. Clients who want peace or want to grow will look for an energy-oriented coach.

eternity vs purpose

Given eternity is longer than any future and equal to a perfect present, the notion of having or living a life purpose is redundant, yes?

ethics vs morals 

Ethics are the adult choices we make concerning how we conduct ourselves in life. Morals are the behaviors we have adopted at the suggestion or requirement of others or an institution. Sue enjoyed designing her own ethical behavior which happened to include many of the morals she had heretofore accepted blindly.

evoke vs confront

No one wants to be confronted, even if you as the coach can justify the need for the client to tell the truth. Better to take the softer approach -- that is, to bring out the best or the truth, rather than force it out. This because the client-coach relationship should ultimately come ahead of fast client results. Evoking builds trust; confronting, while useful, generates fear which often results in the relationship ending.

evoke vs force/manage

At the Attraction Level, we enjoy evoking responses, actions, performance, Truth and results from others because we know that's where sustainable, self-generative momentum and results happen easier. Life's too short to have to manage others; better to evoke them. (You may have to do both, but strengthen your evoking skills.)

excitement vs drama

Excitement is a healthy feeling of energy. Drama is an emotional reaction which is caused by potential threat and produces adrenaline. Joe is a drama/adrenaline junkie, but he thinks it’s healthy excitement.

excitement vs fear

The symptoms of fear are an increased heart rate, a holding back, having a stopped-ness about a person's activities, lots of talk or silence. It is important for the coach to help the client determine whether what they are experiencing is fear or excitement. This is not a mind trip or a game of semantics; sometimes the client simply confuses their symptoms, calls them fear and is held back. If they had known it was excitement, they may have moved forward and felt more comfortable with those sensations they had mistakenly labeled as fear.

experience feelings vs medicating

You know you experience feelings when they get richer but not higher, by themselves. It's medicating when you use a substance or other person to impact your mood or give you a high. Karen was so busy medicating herself with her boyfriend and sugar that her true feelings never had a chance to come out.

expertise vs experience

Both of these distinctions are good, but expertise is a little bit better, because it means you've not only gone through something, as in experienced it, but you've also developed some skills to apply because of it. So again, expertise includes experience, but if you've just experienced something, it may not mean that you've developed the expertise to handle it well in the future. Joan had lots of experience as a coach, yet she hadn't developed her expertise as a coach.

extensive boundaries vs inadequate boundaries

One sets a boundary to protect from other people’s insensitive or irresponsible behavior. A boundary is basically a NO, a line that is uncrossable. The challenge is to establish this line far in front of you rather than right in front of you. This will give you the time you need to protect yourself early enough. When Julie tripled her boundaries, she excluded certain people and certain people’s behaviors, thus freeing her up to start enjoying herself more.

extreme self-care vs just enough

Obviously, the better one takes care of themselves, their body, environment, relationships, money and spirit, the better off they’ll be in life. At the adult stage, the client needs to prove how much they care about themselves by taking extreme measures in this area. At this point just enough becomes not enough. In order to foster self-esteem and balance, the person must exercise the muscle called extreme self-care.

feel vs think

To feel is to experience the moment with your body, heart and mind. To think is to experience the moment with just your mind. Suzy used to rely on her mind to know how she was feeling. With coaching she began to experience life more richly because more bridges were opened between her and reality.

feeling vs emotional reaction

The only true feeling is love; everything else (upsets, anger, fear, sadness, etc.) are emotional reactions. When Joy realized that all she had were emotional reactions but no feelings, she got to the bottom of what was causing her to react and began to enjoy her true feelings.

financial independence vs savings

One of the primary goals that a coach will work on with a client is to assist them to develop a financial independence plan and then begin to implement that plan. Financial independence is what we call the point in life in which money no longer dictates your choices because you have enough cash or other assets available to support you for the rest of your life. In coaching it might take anywhere from 12 to 24 months to solidly turn a client around or put them on this kind of a path. So even if the person is not yet financially independent, they can be on that path in a very shot period of time, and as long as they keep doing what they've started to do, they will reach their objective. Just getting them on the plan itself is often enough to give a person additional confidence and help them increase their ability to earn money.

forgive vs understand

When someone's done something bad to us, if we stand in their shoes, or if we get enough information about why they did that, we often can understand their motivation and kind of get their humanity in the matter. This is understanding. However understanding is something that we experience from our heads, whereas forgiveness is really what we grant another out of choice, from our hearts. You want your clients to be able to forgive those people who have hurt them, whether it's their parents, siblings, spouse, children, community, competitors or associates, and basically become someone who naturally forgives as a very advanced skill rather than someone who simply understands and can help justify why the person did what they did. Forgiveness is a gift you grant others; understanding is only about yourself.

formulas vs rules

Formulas are "x + y = z." In coaching, luck might = excellence + personal style. So formulas are useful to give a client an idea of what it might take by way of ingredients to make a great cake or a great life. However, don't turn these into rules, because you want the client to develop their own formulas rather than just following yours. Formulas in coaching just give the client a higher place to start; they shouldn't be taken as rules.

forgive vs understand

When someone's done something bad to us, if we stand in their shoes, or if we get enough information about why they did that, we often can understand their motivation and kind of get their humanity in the matter. This is understanding. However understanding is something that we experience from our heads, whereas forgiveness is really what we grant another out of choice, from our hearts. You want your clients to be able to forgive those people who have hurt them, whether it's their parents, siblings, spouse, children, community, competitors or associates, and basically become someone who naturally forgives as a very advanced skill rather than someone who simply understands and can help justify why the person did what they did. Forgiveness is a gift you grant others; understanding is only about yourself.

formulas vs rules Formulas are "x + y = z."

In coaching, luck might = excellence + personal style. So formulas are useful to give a client an idea of what it might take by way of ingredients to make a great cake or a great life. However, don't turn these into rules, because you want the client to develop their own formulas rather than just following yours. Formulas in coaching just give the client a higher place to start; they shouldn't be taken as rules.

fulfillment vs satisfaction

Satisfaction is the sensation that you feel when your needs are met. You're satisfied; you're satiated. Fulfillment, however, is the deeper, more soul-oriented feeling that one experiences when they are expressing their values, as in being themselves. When an artist is creating, they often experience fulfillment in their work. However, when the artist is getting appreciation, which perhaps may be a need, they're going to feel satisfied but not fulfilled. Both are good, but fulfillment is a richer experience.

gift vs hook

This one's pretty obvious. when you give something and you expect, want, or need something in return, then obviously the gift is not a gift; it's a form of seduction because you knew you expected something in return. If it's a gift, it means  you can afford to give it, and as much as you want a response, it's not why you're doing it. You actually have extra to give and giving it doesn't hurt you in any way.

God (philosophical) vs God (religious)

There are two ways people can experience God. One is from the religious or spiritual sense that there is a being out there who helps and supports and loves us unconditionally. Obviously a person learns this through school, through Sunday school or religious upbringing. In the philosophical realm, there is a different notion of God, that God is the concept that human beings had to develop because they couldn't get past the gray area because they hadn't advanced very far on their path of development. People who do a lot of work on themselves and have a strong community often feel that sense of God inside. It isn't like they're God, omnipotent or omniscient, but that they tap into the energy that they have or into universal love, or whatever it is that's positive, and they call that God, and that's what they share with each other. Both varieties of this distinction work quite well. We bring up the philosophical God for those people who are unable to experience God in any religious or traditional way. In either case, we feel that God is the best of who you are and is what you can share with others. When you trust God, you're trusting the better part of yourself and trusting the better parts of other people. You know that you're on the right track, you're doing God's work. If neither of these distinctions works for you, just ignore them and move on. The concept of God is not required for coaching, but it is a wonderful option.

grant vs permit

As a coach, you want your client to grant power to you as their coach and advisor rather than just permitting you to do your technical work. You aren't asking for your client to hand over their life to you so you can do something with them, but you're asking for a bit more room than just permission. You want them to grant power to you and to the relationship so that together you can accomplish far more than they would accomplish on their own, and this level of growth and accomplishment won't occur if the client just gives you permission to do your thing. They need to grant you a bit more. You get the client to grant you power by asking for it. You say, "You know, Joan, I'm going to need some more room, I'm going to need you to trust me a bit more and to grant me some of the things you're holding on to so that we can accomplish our work together more easily."

gratification vs medication

One experiences gratification when they get what they want. One experiences medication when one douses oneself with some substance or behavior that gives them a false sense that they got what they wanted. As a coach, you want your clients to set goals that will help them be happier and gratified about what they've got rather than encouraging them to get a false sense of that by either medicating with drugs or alcohol or a behavior that gives them a similar sense of a high. Gratification is healthy; medication simply suppresses the pain.

gratitude vs appreciation

Both are good, but appreciation is generally what you do when someone does something nice to you, so it's specific to the event, it's casual and it's fairly polite. Gratitude, though, is a place to come from that you do feel and sense all that you have and are, and are continually and repetitively grateful for what you have. It's that level of appreciation for everything, vs. specific things, that often helps a person be more attractive to what they most want. To move from appreciative or  even resentful to grateful takes about a year, because when you're grateful, you're giving up and not requiring anything else in your life for you to be whole and complete and happy. And until the ego is handled, that kind of thinking might appear helpless or weak.

healed vs healing

At some point a person declares themselves healed even if emotional scar tissue or ups and downs remain. Some people enjoy the drama of “forever healing.” At some point during coaching, Molly realized how much she enjoyed her Accountability Deferment Tactics of continuously healing but never being healed. She then got the exact help she needed and took all the actions required to complete the healing process.

hear vs listen

Listen refers to the practice of auditorily perceiving what the person is saying. Yet to hear means that you're hearing what they're saying and what's behind what they're saying, and you're listening for who the person is. Hearing is more comprehensive than simply listening.

high quality of life (HQL) vs total quality management (TQM)

HQL is the human version of TQM. A lot of companies have a much higher HQL for the company than for the staff because most companies have adopted the TQM model. As a coach, you want the employee of a company to have as much HQL as the company has TQM. HQL would include things like happiness, productivity, ability to create, empowerment, high standards, problem-free zone, trust, or no fear in the working environment. TQM refers more to the quality of the job being performed rather than the quality of the person performing the task.

high standard vs low/average standard

Standards are those behaviors to which you willing choose to hold yourself to. Life gets richer and easier as one raises their standards even if it means potential or real loss of love, opportunity, or expediency. It takes faith to raise standards. Lisa’s life was progressing very slowly because she kept her standards lower than her soul required.

hit bottom vs hurting

When you hit bottom, you bounce up dramatically; a visible shift has been made. Many people who are experiencing pain think they’re hitting bottom but instead are simply hurting. When the pain gets great enough, the person hits bottom. Joe kept medicating his hurt rather than free-falling, hitting bottom, and bouncing up.

honoring vs defending

One honors oneself with boundaries and standards that are so extensive that they rarely need defending. Defending occurs when you let yourself become at risk.

immediate response vs buffered reaction

A person who is present can respond immediately to what’s occurring between them and another person and them and the physical universe. People who have damage or inadequate foundations react very slowly to changing conditions and thus get hurt because they were numb to the threat, the boundary violation or the opportunity. With coaching Bill was much more present, responded immediately to things, maintained no inventory of non-communicated items and felt freer.

inclusive vs exclusive

A step beyond "going with the flow," being inclusive means that you include (honor, make self right for, make God right for, enjoy) all parts of yourself, even parts you heretofore couldn't stand. If you are overly sensitive and react to people, good for you. Include that part of you. And, you'll need to be responsible for that "gift" rather than be at the effect of it (i.e., having much more extensive boundaries to protect yourself from people who upset you). To be exclusive means that you try to get rid of, control, deny or powerfully interpret that which you don't think you should have. This requires a lot of energy. Being exclusive doesn't work.

inertia vs jammed

Inertia means there is no motion; the laws of physics tell us that things at rest tend to stay at rest. But the laws of physics also tell us that by putting some energy into moving the object, whether it's a car or your life, it will begin to move, gain momentum and will eventually continue to go with less effort than was initially required. This is how we overcome inertia. Blocked or jammed means there is some other psychological stop to the person's progress, and things must be figured out before energy can be used to initiate movement again. So when it's a block or stop, you've got to find out what's in the way. Inertia can be solved simply by taking action; there's no psychological discussion needed.

influence vs control

We control others or situations because we're afraid of what might happen if we don't. We influence others by being a model for others, not by forcing them to do things our way or to look at life our way. As coaches we'll never be able to control our client's behavior or the client relationship, but we can influence it via our requests, the nature of our conversation with our clients, and how well we walk our talk. If you're advising a client out of fear for them or fear for yourself, you're attempting to control. If you're creating with that client what they most want, you're most likely influencing.

inform vs promote

You want to help your clients to inform customers and potential customers of what they're selling vs encouraging them to take a promotive stance to sell or seduce people into purchasing or having an interest in their product or service. Given people are more aware of the truth these days, people are both more suspicious and less interested in puffery, overpromising and seductive promotive techniques. They want the truth, they want the facts, and then they'll buy.

initiate vs respond

Some of us are trained to respond to opportunities or to respond to ideas, and we often wait for some trigger or catalyst to move us into action or creativity. Obviously as a coach you want to help your clients initiate action on their own ideas, goals, wants and commitments rather than being inspired necessarily by someone else or having to have some reason to initiate. It can take anywhere from two to three years of working to help the client realize that their intuition and their inklings are what are worth acting on, even without evidence to prove that it's worthwhile. As a person begins to respond, in a sense, to their inklings (and we'll call this initiating vs responding to external prompts) a person trusts themselves more and their self-esteem increases because they're less reliant on others and are more self-generative.

initiating vs following

At some point a person begins to listen fully to themselves and builds a life, right or wrong, that is an expression of who they are. The notion of following -- as in a guru, cult or restrictive program -- is a pre-90’s lifestyle. Marlene thought she was initiating, and she was, but only as a follower. With coaching she began to think and act for herself, uninfluenced or controlled by outside powers.

inkling vs evidence

An inkling is a sense of truth as yet unvalidated by other sources. Evidence is provable by the physical universe. Tip: Get your client to respond more quickly to their inklings (even if wrong) rather than wait for the overwhelming evidence of what they should do. Laura didn’t feel safe enough to trust in inklings so she waited for enough evidence before she made a decision thus missing out on opportunities that only come from trusting yourself.

inklings vs intuition

Inklings are the feelings you barely perceive prior to sensing your intuition or recognizing evidence. As a coach, your job is to act on or at least share your inklings with your client even before you can prove your point, even before the feeling is so powerful you must speak. Remember, your clients are hiring you for your intuition, your logic, your experience and your endorsement and support, but they'll often benefit the most from those things that you barely have the courage to share, things that you're sensing or feeling but are somewhat undeveloped. You can find ways to share your inklings without having to prove that they're real or that you're certain about them.

integrated vs compartmentalized

Integrated means that all parts of the persons life work together in concert, resulting in an effortless, fulfilled, and enjoyable life. Work becomes play. Relationships become community. The present becomes perfect. Integration is possible when one eliminates those people, places or things that no longer fit in their value system. A compartmentalized client is one who must keep personal and business life separate. They are often addicts or compulsive people. For someone who is compartmentalized, life is like a maze with continual dead ends that force them to use immense effort to jump over the walls. There is no flow. Tip: Blast out the walls of the maze and you’ll come up with an integrated life.

interdevelopmental vs interdependent

The coaching relationship is best when it's interdevelopmental. In other words, the two parties develop each other because they choose to vs the client leaning or relying on the coach as if they needed to. It's still fair for the coach to get paid because of the coach's additional expertise or technique, yet the client's responsibility is to add to the coach's development so that the coach can do an even better job.